God, Religion, and me

Religion is one of the few topics I never like to discuss. As we live in a world where ideas and perceptions of occurrences in our individual lives conflict, it is hard to say otherwise to someone who has had certain experiences that could be different. Most times, I don’t try to voice my thoughts on it as I already know that we won’t be trying to rub minds together but to argue our cases. I try so hard to be accommodating of everyone and create an inclusive environment where people can breathe, away from the religion that so often chokes them, “I’ve been there” I tell myself. It took me some time to realize that in doing so, I let what I did not believe in into my space and soon enough, my haven. So, on a day like this, with no one to have back and forth with, I’m in my head, and writing on the most important entity to me — God.

The Genesis

Like most people in South-Eastern Nigeria, I grew up in a Christian, and religious home. Then, I happened to be the last born child in the family. For me, this entailed being behind in the calendar of wisdom so whatever I said was either childish wisdom or simply already known. This made me develop a mechanism to be heard — which entailed going back for facts whenever I had a conflicting opinion from my family as I despised having most of what I said shut down before I could get it all out. That seldom ended well for me because most times, by the time I was done researching and back, I would realize that I was indeed wrong. Adolescence set in soon after, and I was determined not to be left out in the circle closer to my age group as I felt with being the youngest back at home. I was in boarding school and got to meet people outside the religious sphere I’d grown in. That was when my journey to God started, though then, it seemed to me like a journey away from him. I could not defend whatever it was I knew outside ‘My parents told me so’ or ‘I learned so from Children’s class in church.’ When I still could not get direct answers to questions I was beginning to have, I digressed.

Floating

Life from then became monotonous. I was growing up, yet, I had no self-understood values or a belief system. For a while, I went with the easy way which was not thinking about it and just living. That of course did not last as I was in a religious family which meant I still had to go to church, convinced or not about the beliefs. Instability with religious beliefs and adolescence do not mix properly, and soon I was a daughter my parents could not exactly figure out. At this point, not going delinquent happened mostly because of my personality and insecurities which I felt so burdened by but couldn't break free from. Then, all I could see about myself were flaws…imperfections, lots of them. In the midst of all the uncertainty, I was sure about one thing: I loved my parents and did not want to disappoint them without even trying.

Searching:

At this point, I went back to my default mode of finding facts only this time, I was not doing so to prove them wrong but to figure out if this God everyone else believed in so much was there. Plus, I just couldn't shake talks about God off my life, I at least needed to have a belief that I could stick to, and defend. Thinking back, I believe that as soon as my motive for my seeking God turned from my trying to prove His inexistence to taking a peek to see if I could meet this God, my mind became open to knowing about him rather than being at the point of bias it had always been, and I began to see the words I’d read so much from the scriptures play out. The Psalms of David, the wise Proverbs of Solomon, even the stories of people I’d only seen as characters from a different age and could not relate to their experiences became life. Days into weeks and years and soon, even with many unanswered questions, I knew there was (is) a God.

Soon, I got to experience Him again from which my conviction to commit to him got stronger as I realized after then that I had experienced Him many times in the past. First, as a child who could not comprehend what she had experienced, then as a teenager with too much disbelief to accept Him. I admitted then, just how privileged I was as a child to be born into a Christian home. It’s amazing how thinking back to those times, I can appreciate my journey. Though those times, however, when I was at my lowest state of mind, I was certain I was going to turn out a messed-up adult.

I believe in Jesus, the Son of God. I know Him, love Him and Choose Him.